


Clair-obscur

by obsessivelyintrigued



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Childhood Friends, Colors, Force Soulmates, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-06-04 16:15:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6665536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessivelyintrigued/pseuds/obsessivelyintrigued
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i><b>Clair-obscur</b> in art, the strong contrasts between light and dark.</i><br/> </p><p>For Poe Dameron, the universe is shades of grey accentuated by the lightness of white.</p><p>But for Ben Solo, the universe is nothing but shades of grey, bleak shadows of black that always surrounds him.</p><p>Now, fifteen years later, Poe Dameron has grown accustomed to the dull colors he's been seeing for the better half of his life. But when he saw that dark, hooded figure stride out of the First Order Command Shuttle - he feels his breath hitch as the colors come back to life.</p><p>Kylo Ren always wears his mask. Always. The mask that blocks out all the colors -all the unwanted emotions- so all he could see of the universe is black and white.</p><p>But one night, on the sands of Jakku, everything inevitably come back to life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much @MidgardianNerd for the title! You're amazing.
> 
> @SpaceDaddies this is it, *sigh*
> 
> Unbeta'd. All mistakes are mine. I'm part of the sorry-english-ain't-my-first-language squad. So yeah.
> 
> This fic is my first multichapter work. *nervous writer breathing* 
> 
> (( my [tumblr](http://www.obsessivelyintrigued.tumblr.com) ))

Poe Dameron was six years old when he saw all the colors of the universe. With childish wonder, he was so amazed by the colors that flooded his vision that day on Yavin IV. How green the trees looked, the grass on his feet. The blue sky reflecting its color on the river. The color of their house and the color of his mother's A-wing. The orange of the flightsuit his mother used to wear, his father's brown jacket with the Rebellion symbol stitched on its left arm.

It was on that day that he met Ben Solo.

\--

When the Millennium Falcon landed on Yavin IV, the Organa-Solo was greeted by the Damerons and Luke Skywalker who is staying on the forest moon planning to construct the New Jedi Temple.

Ben, at four years old, was suddenly struck at the brown color of the fur he had in his little fists as he holds on to Chewbacca. The previous shades of black and white dissipating to vibrant colors filled with life.The wookie looks up at him as he sits on his uncle's neck, questioning look in his eyes. He shook his head to say its nothing and smiled.

He was astonished and confused at the sudden change.

Then he looked around -his mother's colorful, flowing dress. His father's black jacket, the grey paint of the Millennium Falcon. The blue of his Uncle Luke's eyes.

That particular shade of hazel eyes he locked eyes with; the boy clutching firmly at his mother's hand as he also stares in amazement at the whole place filled with colors.

\--

Poe watch as the people his parents often tells him about appears from the beautiful ship he had come to admire immediately on first sight.

He noticed Princess Leia, who immediately greeted his brother and Poe's parents. Han Solo, and Chewbacca who is carrying a little boy with black curls around his neck.

The boy who is returning his gaze with the same look of astonishment and a hint of a frown on his pale face.

Poe wonders if he could see the colors too. How life was slowly woven to every fabric of reality around them with pigments emanating beauty.

He remembers when everything is all shades of grey. Dull, bleak, lifeless. But now. Now is different and so much better.

He watch as the other boy stares around with reverence -like a child looking at the new toy in his hand, at an unopened present given to him. It was as though he just discovered every secrets Yavin IV keeps.

And maybe, Poe thinks, he does.

\--

When Ben was asked to introduce himself to the Damerons' son, he gently shook his head and press himself closer to Chewbacca. The wookie grunted at him and gave him a firm push towards the other boy.

He was hesitant. Afraid that the other boy would look at him with the same expectation when he finds out who he is. The same look of avid expectation he sees in other people's eyes even when he is still so young.

Afraid that he may not understand him.

And he looks at him weird. Watches his every move with unguarded curiosity in his gaze. Watches every swivel of his head as Ben looks around. The way he presses his nails to dig into his palms as he thinks about whether its a good idea to introduce himself -or if its better to just run back inside the Millennium Falcon -and the boy just kept staring.

Ben shifts his gaze, refusing to make eye contact. Everything is so new right now. The colors, the life suddenly evident in every single thing around him. And he wonders if the other boy can see it too.

Smiling gently at her son, Leia brushes his hair back and cupped his cheeks. "Promise me to give him a chance?"

Ben leans to the touch and nods. Even though he is still reluctant -Ben knows he can never resist when his mother asks something of him. "I promise, mom."

"Thank you." Leia said, planting a kiss on Ben's forehead before nodding encouragingly at him.

With shaking knees, Ben walks closer to the other boy who is smiling brightly at him.

"Hi! I'm Poe Dameron. Nice to meet you!" said Poe, holding his hand out for Ben to shake.

"H-hello," Ben starts, cringing when he stutters but he tried to smile a bit. "I'm Ben Solo. Nice to meet you too." said Ben as he took Poe's hand in his.

Han and Leia smiles to each other and to Shara and Kes. Glad that the two boys seems to be getting along.

None of them aware that their own son's can now see the universe as they could. The vibrant colors and the joy of life suddenly entwined in each other's hands.

\--

Poe swore on that day that he will be friends with Ben. That he will always be there for him. To never leave him. Because it was then that he feels himself really come to life.

His mother often tells him that when he finds someone that makes him feel happy, alive, he should never let them go. _"That's when you know what to fight for, Poe."_

And when Poe asked if that's what he feels with his dad, his mom would smile so bright and answer with a simple, " _Yes_."

He enjoys the time he spends with Ben. Sure, he can easily make friends and it was never been a hardship for him to play and befriend other children.

But Ben is different. He feels drawn to him, like a moth to light. Feels as though everything revolves around him whenever he is near, like the planets to the Sun.

And despite the fact that the Organa-Solo doesn't visit Yavin IV frequently -so he rarely sees Ben- Poe can't help but wish that everytime they did, the next one would be sooner.

  
\--

Poe Dameron is different. Ben, at five years old, is sure.

He is patient, caring and friendly. He always makes sure Ben is comfortable, always tries to have fun with him and never fails to do so.

And Poe -Poe never looks at him like the other's did. Poe looks at him as an equal, as a friend -Poe looks at him like he cares. And Ben likes that, likes for it to stay that way.

They were sitting beneath the Force-sensitive tree outside the Dameron's house. Poe lying on his stomach as he reads the book in his hand. When suddenly the book he was reading was shut close.

"You're not paying attention to me." Ben said, resting his chin on his knees.

"So you did that?" Poe asked.

"I did what?"

"Close my book."

Ben's eyes widens in shock. Worry started to creep in, a voice inside his head saying Poe will not befriend him anymore because of that -because of what he could do.

His parents and Uncle Luke always said that he was special. But Ben heard once that sometimes Han wishes he is not. So he could live a normal life and choose whatever he likes.

Ben wish that too.

He doesn't feel powerful with the Force like this. He feels caged instead. As though people looks at him and waits anytime for him to play some tricks, like an animal in a zoo. Or worse yet, like he would be too powerful for his own good.

The Force has been with him since he knows how to control it. Make simple gestures and found that he can do things. That creeping shadow following him, telling him what to do.

Too much, it was all too much for his young mind. Overwhelming, suffocating.

But when he told his parents about the shadow, the voice in his mind. They replied that it was just a simple thing every children experiences.

Ben felt them keeping a secret then. Especially when he saw his parents talking with Uncle Luke. Hear his father slam the front door and the Millennium Falcon roar to life.

It took two days for Han to return.

Confused, scared, alone. That's what he ingrained in his head he would be. As long as he have this Force coursing through his veins, he will not live the normal life his father wants for him. He wants for himself.

Especially not when the shadow kept following him, whispering things. Promises his parents cannot make. A strong presence to support him. To guide him.

Confused, scared, alone. He doesn't want it to be that way with Poe.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." Ben said, shifting his gaze away from Poe.

"So you have the Force?" Ben could hear the excitement in his friend's voice but refuses to believe it.

How could Poe take this so lightly?

"Ben, that's awesome!" Poe exclaimed, now kneeling in front of his friend and gripping his arm gently despite his excitement and sudden rush of energy -book completely forgotten. "You will be a Jedi one day! A really great one!"

"Y-you're not-"

"I'm not what?" Poe grins at him. "That's amazing! One day you'll weild your own lightsaber and fight all the bad guys in the galaxy!"

"You think I will?"

"Of course! Don't be silly, Benny." Poe laughs as he shifts to sit beside his friend. "You can take on anyone who comes your way. And you will be the greatest Jedi Knight of the New Jedi Order."

"I hope so." Ben leans his head on Poe's shoulder.

"I know you will." Poe whispers to him, still grinning like mad but utterly feeling proud of his friend.

Ben may doubt it, may worry about it. But Poe is absolutely sure of everything he had said.

His friend will be a great jedi. And he knows he will be there when Ben becomes one.

\--

 


	2. Chapter 2

Poe didn't tell his parents. Why would he? He didn't know.

He didn't know exactly what it meant. All he knows is that he met someone who makes him happy, alive. His mother's words echoing in his head, halting his thoughts to one single sentence. " _That's when you know what to fight for, Poe."_

_"That's when you know who to fight for."_

He was eight when he accidentally let it slip.

His father is watching a holorecord, a-wings speeding past in outer space in some sort of battle. Poe got too excited when he saw one with similar color his mother used to pilot for the Rebellion.

"Dad, look! It's the same color as mom's a-wing!" said Poe, pointing at the holorecord that suddenly stopped playing.

If there was one thing that Kes Dameron got that made him ahead of all other people he fought with and against -it was the fact that he misses absolutely nothing.

"Poe," he started. "Since when did you start seeing all the colors?" Kes asked his son.

Poe was silent for a moment, biting the inside of his cheek and kept his gaze locked on the floor. "When I'm -six years old, I think?"

He felt his father lay a hand on his shoulder, making Poe look up at him. "Poe, you do know what this means, right?"

Poe could only nod. He can't help but wonder if his parents know, because he himself couldn't be so sure.

Later, his mom would explain to him what it meant. That you see all the colors once you laid eyes on that special someone meant for you, and that it turns back to grey when they die. While his father tries to discern which day when Poe was six did he met that person that filled his world with all the colors at such a young age.

Poe silently wishes to himself that it really is Ben Solo.

\--

Pacing back and forth in his room, Poe is debating to himself whether he should tell Ben or not.

A part of him says he should -they're best friends after all, and best friends do not keep secrets from each other.

A part of him says he shouldn't -because what if it isn't Ben? He'll just be disappointed. All this time of wishing it was Ben will be all for nothing.

Sometimes Poe thinks the universe shouldn't be this way. They shouldn't be tied to people in a way that will make them look for the other. It's unfair, especially for those who never find their partners, their so-called soulmate. You can't just look for love, let love find you.

But at the same time, he couldn't help but to agree. When you are meant for someone, that's when you know what it meant to have someone to fight for.

Despite that, even if it turns out that Ben isn't for him. Poe is sure he'll still fight for him.

No matter what happens.

Exhaling a breath he didn't know he was holding, Poe sat down in his bed. He bit his bottom lip as he stare at his datapad.

There was a knock at his door and he turned his attention away from his musings. And a soft voice calling his name made him smile, all his worries melting away.

"Poe?"

"Come in, Ben."

"Hey." Poe greets, not standing up, just looking at his friend. He's grown so much since the first time they've met. They are almost the same height now, Ben being just a few inches shorter despite the two-year age gap. It makes him laugh sometimes, Poe is sure Ben would be taller than him.

He minds, but sometimes he thinks its all the way better to hold him that way. And Ben is a really quiet kid, always keeping to himself. Poe wonders if he'll ever grow out of it.

"Hey." Ben said, repeating his friend's words. "Can I come in, Poe?"

"Of course. Come here I need to tell you something."

That elicit a frown on Ben's face. His eyes, his always so expressive eyes, reflecting the sudden worry he feels. "Is there something wrong?"

Chuckling nervously, Poe answers. "No, I just - I found out something."

"Well then, tell me."

"You know that old tale. Where you can't see the colors until the moment you see your soulmate."

"It's true?" Ben frowns, not so sure how to respond to that - thinking back to the day he first stepped foot on Yavin IV.

"Well yeah." said Poe. "And when they die, the world turns back to shades of grey. It's sad, really." Poe tried to make his tone uninterested, especially after knowing the fact that Ben doesn't seem to believe it.

"Yeah, it is." Ben replied, teeth gnawing on his lip.

Poe can't ask him. Not that he won't. He very much want to. But the way Ben said those words - it was as though he was still contemplating whether it is real or not. Unlike Poe who never doubted it, for he can see its evidence everyday with his mom and dad. Feeling a bit down, he turns his gaze away from Ben.

"I thought it was the Force." Ben eventually said.

"Silly jedi." Poe teases. Trying to lighten the mood.

"Stupid flyboy." Ben retorts and the two laugh together. Both feeling the air lighten around them even for a little while. Ben was thankful for the change in topic, even though he knows it will be brought up again. Thankful that Poe, despite the seriousness of their conversation, knows when to give young Ben an air to breathe.

The Force. They hadn't talked about the Force since that day Poe discovers that Ben is strong with it. The younger boy having explicitly asked him not to talk about it. It confuses him but if Ben says so, who the hell is Poe not to concede on his request?

"Maybe it is." Poe said after a while in a tone that yes, he thinks it is part of it -somehow. "I mean, isn't the Force supposed to be in every living thing around us? That surrounds and binds us. Maybe, in a way, it is part of it."

"Maybe." Ben agrees. But secretly, he hopes that its not. Because why is everything have to be related to the Force? Why is even a mundane thing such as colors and partners have to be connected with it.

Deep down, Ben just wish that there is - _even just a sliver_ \- something that is normal in him.

\--

Shara Bey died weeks later. And Poe have to watch as the light slip away from his father's eyes.

Remembering what his mother had said, Poe knows that his father couldn't see the colors anymore. That everything becomes grey all over again. For a moment he thought of it. How its unfair, and sad, and it doesn't seem to give that much justice for the love shared by the two.

But Poe doesn't care about that anymore, the dumb colors and old tales. He cares that his mom is gone now. Cares how days earlier she was with them -laughing, smiling, caring and loving them, but now, in almost a blink of an eye - she's gone.

Sad, angry, confused. The emotions quarrels inside of him. He doesn't know what to feel. Doesn't want to believe anything he feels, or even thinks about.

Sad that his mother left them, left him at such a young age. She didn't even get to see Poe fly his own ship, didn't even get to see Poe be a great pilot like her.

Angry that the universe took her, that the galaxy or whoever is omnipotent among them deemed it necessary for Shara Bey -beautiful, loving and brave Shara Bey- to leave them. To leave her family, her friends, the people she protects.

And confused. Confused because why is it all happening to him now? To Poe. To Poe Dameron who swore to be just like her mother.

To be the best damn pilot in the galaxy.

He was standing beside his father, watching him shake hands or receive hugs. As he too, occasionally receive some. He watched as Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa offers comforting words to them. Han carrying his son in his arms with Chewbacca standing beside him.

Ben eyes him worriedly. Poe wants to go and tell him it's nothing, that everything will be alright. But even to himself, Poe knows that not everything will be alright. That everything will never be the same ever again.

The young boy tugs at his father's jacket and points a finger at Poe. Han said something and the boy nodded before he was put down and is walking towards Poe.

He gripped his father's hands tighter when Ben hugged him. Kes tried to smile encouragingly at his son before letting his hand go.

Poe hugged him back, burying his face on the crook of the other boy's neck and doing everything he could to fight back the tears -but he fails, he fails and he let it be. Because he can't help it anymore. Too much, everything was too much and happening all too fast. Poe still couldn't fathom everything that has happened, his heart refusing to believe it even when his mind says so.

Ben runs a comforting hand up and down his back, not saying even a single word.

He didn't have to. Because Poe feels him, understands him. And he knows at the back of his mind as to why.

But right now, he doesn't want to think about it. He just want to hold Ben until the pain goes away. Because that's what Ben does to Poe, right? He makes every pain go away, until all that was left is hope and life and his bright smile at the front of his mind, clutching at his heart as though it will never hurt it.

"Ben-" Poe sobs, he can't help but feel pathetic with his actions despite knowing it's acceptable.

Ben hugged him closer, "It's okay, Poe. I'll always be here."

Poe vaguely nods, the words imprinted on his mind.

 _"I'll always be here."_  
\--

 


	3. Chapter 3

Ben was seven when he started to spend more time at Yavin IV.

Whenever his parents are not around, Ben gets to the habit of locking himself up in his room, not out of spite but simply because he doesn't have any other activity to occupy himself. But doing that scares him half of the time.

He hates being alone, the way the voice seems to grow louder. And the way that he responds to it -unconsciously or intentionally-, he knows its not safe, knows at the back of his mind that its not good and yet-

And yet he couldn't help it.

His mother would always go away everytime she's needed by the New Republic. And sometimes it will be the cause of argument between her and Han. The former Captain of the Rebellion having gone back to smuggling, his old business and avoiding diplomacy at all costs.

But whenever Han is the absent one, he will be gone for days. Out somewhere in the galaxy, and when he returns he would look so delighted -so refreshed as though he just felt the first rays of the sun during spring hit his skin. And even though Ben hates that he's gone for weeks on end, his father never neglects to bring something home for him.

So maybe that's how his childhood goes back at their manor. People always addressing him as 'Master Ben' and basically just around him for when he needs anything, for business and not because he needs company -not that they offer any to him.

The strange shadow in his room always seem to lurk less and far every time Leia is around. Ben likes to think it's actually afraid of his mother, of what Leia could do to it. Which is why Ben likes it better when she's around.

She would tuck him to sleep every night. Comb his hair every morning as she asks him about his dreams.

"So what did you dream about last night, Ben?"

"Not much." Ben would answer. Truth is, he never remembers them. Not much. His fingers would play with one another in a nervous mannerism until Leia lays a hand on them, making Ben look up to her.

"Is there something wrong, honey?"

"It's just the sh-" Ben stops himself. He tries to smile before continuing, "It's just that I don't usually remember it."

His mom would let it go then, but sometimes he could hear her discussing it with Uncle Luke in holo or when he visits.

Luke would simply just assure her, saying.

"Ben is strong with the Force, Leia. To the Light. He will be alright, I promise."

But Ben can still feel the worry threading through his mother's thoughts through their Force bond. And he can't help but feel responsible for that worry gripping his mother all the time, especially when she's away.

So now whenever Ben was left alone, Leia would always send him over at Yavin IV. Often times with his mother's ship, and rarely with the Millennium Falcon.

But Ben, Ben likes it better here. Likes the peaceful ambiance of the forest moon. The green trees, the blooming flowers, the whole place giving off of the sense of life.

It elates him and makes him feel light, less worries, less anger and hate and fear. How the colors he sees comforts him just by looking it.

And that's another thing, nobody knows about him and the colors he can see.

Not that he minds. He wouldn't want to add even more worry to her mother - or for his father to go away again in case an argument breaks out.

Preferring to stay at Yavin IV, Ben thinks that it's probably because his friend is always here to keep him company.

Usually, they spend their time either playing or telling each other stories beneath the Force-sensitive tree outside Poe's house. Poe would tell him stories about the Rebellion that his parents told him about and Ben finds himself enjoying it -hearing about his mother and father, side by side with his Uncle Chewie and Uncle Luke, with Poe's parents defending the galaxy together. Thinking that, maybe someday, he could emulate them and make them proud of what he'd become.

It's been a year, and Ben can still feel the grief emanating from Poe. He doesn't know what to do about it, barely have an idea, so he just goes with whatever it is that they currently find themselves into. Hoping that it'll capture the attention of his friend, even if it only distracts him.

Teaching Poe what he knows about droids and being a pilot that he learns from his father, Ben notices how his eyes would light up everytime they talk about flying.

"I was six," Poe said one time. "When my mom first took me flying to her A-wing. It was amazing up there, Benny! You could see everything."

"It was weeks later before she let me handle the controls." Poe continues, smiling at the memory as he sit, his back leaning on Ben's side and staring up at the tree. "It was... wonderful. The feeling of controlling the ship, of how you can do things just by holding it. Mom would always say you hold on your life once you hold on to the controls. Which is why being careful and reckless should be balanced all the time."

Poe chuckles and Ben would laugh lightly with him. Often times, he doesn't know what else to say -what else to do but listen. If he feels like it, sometimes he would share a thing or two that he knows about flying.

"My dad always say that you should do what you feel like doing." Ben said, holding his hand out a bit to lift the small stones before him. "That nothing is impossible until you've done it."

"I agree with that, Ben." Poe smiles at him, reaching out to grab the stones Ben is levitating using the Force.

Ben nods, "Me too."

And he thinks, that maybe, that's one of the things he learnt from his father that he will carry for a long time.

\--

Poe was fifteen hanging out in his room, watching Ben sketch droid models. He was lying on his stomach, datapad in front of him but his attention is on Ben who is pursing his lips in concentration, his hair a bit longer now as it hang on his forehead just above his eyes.

Having realized how he likes it better when Ben is around, Poe also notice how the colors seem more vivid when he's with him. How the world seem to be brighter when he's happy. His efforts to make Poe happy during the times he was down- Poe will never forget those.

Despite not being sure, Poe sometimes think that innocence is bliss. Especially when the truth may hurt.

Besides, he knows Ben has the Force. Sooner, rather than later, he will have to leave to train. And he, of course have to go pursue his dreams to become a pilot.

Most of the time he finds himself thinking that maybe -just maybe- they could still be friends despite being away from each other. That they'll still be able to maintain their friendship. After all, aren't good friends doesn't need to talk all the time to be one?

But the galaxy is not a wish-granting factory. He found that out over seven years ago. Much to his dismay.

Ben pulled his hair back, letting his fingers run through it smoothly and asked, "What?"

Chuckling, Poe shifts his attention to the datapad. "Nothing."

Ben threw his datapad at Poe, "What do you think?"

"It's round, It's cute."

"Very eloquent, Dameron."

"You asked me what I think, Solo." Poe retorts, putting the sketch aside. "But it's nice."

Ben grins at him, "Hey Poe, you still want to be a pilot?"

"Yeah." Poe answers in a tone as though why did you even ask? Isn't it obvious?

"Well, flyboy, maybe I'll just make you a droid." Ben nonchalantly comments. "A one of a kind droid."

"You mean a round junk?" Poe jokes.

"It's round. It's cute."

Poe smacks his knees as he roll over closer to his friend, leaning on his elbow as he rests his chin on his palm. "What about you?"

Ben hums, his fingers playing with one another until he found himself doing it and stopped. "I don't know yet."

"Well a Jedi Knight sounds good."

It took a while for the other boy to answer, it was as though his next words came from the deepest thought he just had. "Yeah, it does."

"What will be the color of your x-wing though?" Ben asked in an attempt to stir the conversation away from him.

Sitting up, Poe stared intently at his friend's eyes that is telling him to just drop it. And so he does, knowing that waves always hit the shore, and maybe next time when they have this conversation again Ben will be comfortable enough to talk about it.

"Black." Poe simply said. "A shining black x-wing. Maybe with a touch of red too because black and red looks good together."

Raising an eyebrow, Ben slowly nods. He feels an inkling that Poe could see the colors too. Because you don't just say black when its shade is all you can see, you have to appreciate it. And you don't just say red either. Ben can't help but be jealous of whoever his best friend is forever entwined with.

"Good choice." Ben remarks, smiling a bit.

"What about the droid though?" Poe asked, leaning on the headboard of his bed besides his friend. He's trying his damnest to slow down his thoughts with what just happened.

"Orange and white. Sounds good?"

"Yeah." Poe agrees. "Sounds good."

Later, when Ben was boarding the ship his mother sent for him, Poe can't help his thoughts from steering to the conversation they had earlier.

Feeling his heart beat faster again as he recall Ben asking him what color his x-wing would be. And Ben saying that the droid will be orange and white. Poe got it, not just a clue. He got it that Ben could see colors too.

And he can't stop himself from wondering who it is. Or if there's even a slightest chance that it's him.

But the galaxy is not a wish-granting factory. Never was, never will be.

Feeling his father's hand on his shoulder, Poe looks at him.

"Stop overthinking. Even those colors-" Kes shook his head, "it's overrated."

Poe can hear the resentment in his voice. "Why?"

"You don't just love because of the colors, Poe. You love because it gives you life. It's your purpose to live. And that love isn't only for those who can see all shades of dispersed white light."

As his father stare at him, Poe can feel the words sink in, know that it's right. That whatever sentiment he feels for the old legend, it can't always be true for everyone. The heart may beat fast for anyone, but it's not for the right one all the time.

"Not everything in your world revolves around Ben Solo, Poe." Kes said, before letting his hand fall from his son's shoulder and walk away.

In himself, the one who is a father, he fears that yes - Ben Solo is the one for his son, been fearing that thought for more than seven years. But there's also that part -the part that knows all the harshness the universe can come up with- the part that knows he will also be the one who will hurt his son.

Somehow, Kes Dameron just knows.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Sixteen year old Ben Solo fidgets as the gangplank of the Millennium Falcon lowers and the fresh air of Yavin IV greets him. The sight of the green grass and trees -colorful flowers and clear sky leaving him in a comfortable ambiance despite his earlier bout of nervousness.

His dad and uncle Chewie accompanied him outside. And Ben was immediately greeted by Poe who jogged up to him and gave him a hug.

"You've grown tall."

"You're not just keeping up, flyboy." Ben chuckles.

"Alright, knock it off." Han said, standing beside Kes and Chewbacca. "It's enough that your mother calls me that. We wouldn't want anything to happen now, do we?"

"Dad!" Ben indignantly said.

Kes smiles a bit, his attention at his own son who remained silent and is blushing lightly beside the now taller boy. Chewbacca let out a groan and patted Ben's back when he passed by.

"Wait for your mother's ship, okay?" Han said.

"I will." Ben nodded. He lowers his head when Han lays a hand on it and ruffles his hair.

Giving a last wave to Kes who made the same gesture, Han and Chewbacca boarded the Falcon and was gone minutes later.

Poe grins up at Ben, "Wanna go somewhere?"

"Sure." Ben smiles back.

"Be back before dinner, boys." Kes reminds them before striding inside the house, swimming in his own thoughts.

"Come on, then!" Poe urges them to the speeder bike resting under the shade of the Force-sensitive tree.

Ben watch as Poe slides to the speeder, motioning at Ben to follow him. Ben did, in a sense, he hope that he always can. To always be around Poe.

But he knows that before this day ends, or maybe tomorrow morning if he gets scared -he wouldn't be able to do that.

The green leaves and brown barks of trees streak past them as Poe cranks up the bike and sped them away into the forest. Ben's arms around his waist, gripping him tightly.

"You're too fast!" Ben shouts through the loud wind ringing in his ears.

"So?" Poe said, cocky smile on his lips as he look over at Ben on his shoulders. "That's part of the fun."

Ben sighs and hides his face on Poe's shoulders. There's nothing to see but a streak of green around him, he'd rather feel Poe like this. Close to him, warm and just here with him.

Poe feels the hair tickling at the side of his neck, he grins and let one of his hand ruffle Ben's dark hair so the other boy's chin rests on his shoulders.

"Everything okay, Benny?"

"Stop calling me that." Ben replied without real harshness in his voice. "And yes. I think so."

The speeder stopped and Ben dismount, he stepped beside Poe and stares in awe at the vast blue water before them, chunks of rock protruding every now and then on the calm current. Trees sway at the light breeze and the birds are chirping happily as the clouds part to give them a clear sky.

Watching his friend's movement, Poe tucks into memory the way the wind blows on Ben's hair. His eyes twinkling with amazement as the clear, blue water reflect on them.

"Poe."

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Poe replies, still looking at Ben.

"You're not even looking at it." Ben retorts, still standing a few feet from Poe and not daring to walk to the lake yet.

"I don't have to." Poe comments. He waits another beat before snapping out of it and slides off the speeder, standing at his place on Ben's side.

"It's good you just arrived in time. When its night, the stars look really beautiful here."

"We should go to Naboo." Ben suddenly said.

Poe stares up at him, "What?"

"Naboo. I'll take you to Naboo. Tomorrow, when the ship arrives." Ben looks at Poe. "I'll tell the pilot to take us there and tell my mom we'll stay for a day. Or two, if you want."

"Ben, I'd love that!"

And maybe it was the way Poe smiles at him that moment, or the way he stopped himself mid-step towards Ben and smile sheepishly. Or maybe its the way the wind blows making the shadow of the trees plays on Poe's features, making him even more beautiful. But Ben told himself he has to, but not right now. Some other time maybe. They'll be together for another day or two anyway.

He could put off his leaving. For Poe.

\--

After dinner, Poe begged his father to allow them to go there one last time for today.

"Pa, please. It'll be alright, I promise!"

"If you're going to Naboo tomorrow-" Kes said, staring pointedly at his son. "You should take a rest."

"I'm not tired."

"Ben is." Kes said in a tone that means end of discussion.

"Well, are you, Ben?" Poe shifts in his seat at the dining table to fix his friend a look.

 _Say you're not, say you're not._ Poe thinks.

"I'm... not?" Ben said, unsure.

"See!" Poe exclaimed. "Ben is not tired. Pa, let us go."

Kes sighed, exasperated. "Don't take too long."

"Yes!" Poe almost shouted before jumping to hug his father.

Kes smiles, not all eighteen year olds still hug their father. But then, not all eighteen year olds are like Poe. "Take care, okay?"

"Okay, pa." Poe whispers back before pulling away.

"Let's go, Benny." Poe slungs his jacket over his shoulders and motions for Ben to follow.

"Stop calling me that." Ben said, indignant. But before he follows Poe, he smiles at his father. "Thank you, mr. Dameron."

Nodding, Kes answered. "Go on. Take care and don't take too long."

Ben grins and followed Poe outside who already got his speeder running.

"Here." Poe throws his jacket at Ben who caught it. He whistles, "Nice reflexes."

"What am I going to do with this?"

"Wear it." Poe answered, it was obvious.

"What about you?"

"I'll be fine. Besides you're always cold." Poe said, watching Ben put it on.

It was nearly short for him. But Poe knows it's a good fit. It's for him, after all.

Ben's warm body on his back and the arm gripping him at his waist made the cold wind bearable for Poe. Ben still buried his face on his shoulder, Poe tips his head back a bit to give him more room as he relaxes his shoulders, the slight tickle of the other boy's hair on his cheek making him smile.

When they arrived Poe watch as Ben sits on the dirt, arms folded above his bent knees as he stare at the water reflecting the nightsky. A shiver run through his spine when Ben fixes him his gaze, but maybe its just the breeze flowing around them -Poe really thinks its just the breeze, it has to be.

There's something in his gaze that made Poe feel a bit off. Like something is not working properly and he feels the urgent need to fix it. He doesn't like the way Ben gave him that look, like he wouldn't see Poe again, like this is goodbye already. Which is ridiculous. It's too early, too soon and there's not enough reason. But even then he hates it.

Sliding off of the speeder, Poe trudges up to his friend. He feels the cold wind again and the way it blows at his shirt. Feeling Ben's gaze on him, he sat down. But he still hadn't looked at him.

"You're not telling me something." said Poe, his voice timid.

"I-I'm-" Ben stutters, he hates the timid tone Poe's voice get - Poe is anything but timid, Poe is life and joy and light all in one person. He's like a beacon at the end of a dark road. That one star that exceptionally shines brighter than the others. That one person who stood out from the rest.

He laid back on the ground, his back hitting the dirt that is still a little warm from sunlight as he cross his arm abovr him and rests his head on it. He sighed before continuing. "I'm not."

"You're not what?" Poe asked. He shifts in his seat so he could stare at Ben laid comfortably on the ground. "I may not be Force-sensitive but I know something's off."

Ben knows that. Poe may not be sensitive to the Force but the fact that he grew up near one -occasionally two when he's around- means he's slightly ahead of others. More attuned to his surroundings than most people.

"It's not a secret when I plan to tell you, right?"

Shaking his head, Poe said, "I suppose so, no." Then he just laid back beside his friend. The calm serenity washing over them as Poe let go of the subject. If Ben plans to tell him, then he'll just wait, Ben already planned it after all.

As they look up at the stars and the far off systems, Poe listens to Ben point out some that he recognizes. His voice soothing the restlessness Poe feels, the worry that is stalking and about to grip his whole being.

"One day, when I have my own ship - I'll take us to flying and you will point every star systems, planet, stars and constellations you know to me." Poe promises, covering Ben's hand that he just brought down from pointing up above with his.

And Ben believes him.

\--

The following morning, the ship was around before Poe got out of the shower.

After his dad telling him to hurry up and pack everything that he needs, he immediately walked to the bed and shook Ben awake. But the other boy just turn away from him and hug Poe's pillow to his chest, mumbling. Poe sighs and tried harder this time, but Ben wouldn't even response and just kept dozing off. He practically pulled Ben's leg off of the bed before the other boy sat up -eyes still glazed with sleep and hair wonderfully messed up and sticking to one side.

Knowing his friend is still half-asleep, Poe snaps a picture of him using his datapad. He laughs to himself before putting the device to his packed bag, lining it up to the door besides Ben's.

"Wakey, wakey, Benny."

Ben groans and buries his face to the pillows, his voice muffled. "Stop it."

"Come on, your mom's ship just arrived. We gotta get going."

That made the younger boy push himself out of the bed, trudging with his head down to the adjoining bathroom. Poe smiles fondly at his friend and waits until he finished.

A knock came at his door minutes later and Poe opened it to find his father holding out a bag of sandwiches to him. "In case you get hungry."

Poe beams at his father, taking the bag and hugging him. "Thanks, pa. You're the best."

Tapping his back lightly, Kes said. "Be careful, okay?"

"Of course." Poe said, still grinning as he pull back.

Kes nods and walk back to the kitchen, leaving the two to prepare for their departure. Maybe his words means differently, maybe he meant it to be a double entendre. But as a father, he can feel that something is off with the two.

He could only hope that they'll get it sorted before his son -or both of them- gets hurt.

\--

As they travel in light speed. Poe watch Ben as he reads poetry, eating one of the sandwiches his father made for them.

He notice the way his brow crease as he thinks. Or the way his hand kept shifting on the red book that is missing its dust jacket. Or the way he would unconsciously bite at his lower lip or pout his lips in concentration.

"Poe?"

Raising his eyebrows, Poe asked. "Yeah?"

"Smile, will you?"

Poe laughs at that, "There, good enough?"

Nodding, Ben smiles too. "Yes, as long as you keep it all the time."

"What's up with that?"

"That's the thing about smiles. They come and go." Ben shifts his gaze away from Poe.

"It means I don't want you to be sad." Ben adds a moment later, his attention fixed at his book again.

Poe feels as though his heart skipped a beat at that. His mind clouding with fear for what could that possibly mean. He thinks this is how it feels when a feather is plucked from your wings - you know that you can still fly but the fear that you can't still clouds your mind.

In a way, Poe thinks that maybe its the same, similar more likely. A loose metaphor, a foreshadowing of what Ben planned to tell him.

And Poe found himself drifting to that thought again. Innocence truly is a bliss.

\--

When they landed, the pilot immediately informed them they couldn't stay longer than a day. Ben argued saying he could stay as long as he wants but Poe stops him, laying a hand on his shoulder and smiles softly at him.

"Let's just enjoy the short time we have, Benny."

Sighing in defeat, Ben grabs Poe's hand and led them away from the ship - shouting they'll be back in six hours as the pilot nods and proceeds to check the maintenance of the ship.

Poe stares at their clasped hands, swallowing nervously as he feels the way their fingers linked together. He raises his gaze at Ben who is muttering obscenities under his breath as he leads them away to the beautiful facade of the palace - away from the people.

Shaking his head, Poe locks the negative thoughts at the back of his mind. This is Naboo, and Ben is with him. He sure as hell will have as much fun as he wants.

People nods in recognition at Ben and the taller boy returns the gesture. Picking up a basket from one of them and quickly saying his thanks before leading Poe outside.

"Naboo is the home planet of my grandmother." Ben said, smiling proudly. "She was the elected queen and a Republic Senator."

Poe tilts his head, thinking. Ben really hadn't talked much about his grandmother. He was silent kid, so most of the time Poe is the one who do the talking. "Which one?"

"Padmé Amidala." Ben stops, turning to look at him. "Sometimes I dream of her. It was always light when I do. She's so beautiful, Poe, especially when she wears flowers on her hair."

Poe kept watching him as they start to walk again, this time slower. It feels as though Ben is telling him a secret, Poe didn't know about his grandmother before. Sometimes they'll talk about his grandfather but Ben will always catch himself and stop. Usually, it was Poe who talks and Ben would listen. They make it work that way, that's how they fit. Sometimes Poe thinks that if people are really meant for each other, like what the old legend says, he and Ben would fit together perfectly.

"Most of the time, in my dreams, she would put the flowers in my hair and tell me I'm special." Ben smiles, his eyes taking that far away look as his hand grasp Poe's tighter. "And she keeps the dark away as she plays with me. Sometimes she reads poetry to me, or tell me stories of the Republic -the democracy she said I should value, stories of Naboo, my grandfather."

Poe feels Ben go stiff beside him. Then he sighs, relaxing as he look at Poe. "We're here."

Raising his eyebrows, Poe shifts his gaze away from Ben. His mouth opening in awe as he takes in the scenery before him. Vast green grass that seem to expand for eternity around them, waterfalls beautifully flowing - its sound soft and harsh at the same time, emitting a soothing ambiance - the sky clears into a light shade of blue as the wind blows softly around them.

Ben chuckles before he walks them up to the top of a hill, overlooking the water falling freely.

"It's beautiful." Poe breathes, smile tugging at his lips.

"I know."

"You're not even looking at it."

"I don't have to." Ben said, chuckling.

Poe laughs, smacking Ben's arm as the taller boy unfolds a cloth and places it on the grass and putting the basket on it. Ben sat, staring up at Poe.

"Ben, thank you." Poe said, sitting down across the other boy.

"For what?"

"For taking me here." Poe gestures around them, "It's... breathtaking."

Ben laughs lightly, head bowing down. "It is, yeah. It is."

Their gazes locked when Ben looked up. Poe thinks his breath got stuck on his throat as Ben continue to stare at him, his eyes swimming with emotions. It was fleeting -the emotions- they kept shifting from one to another, Poe likes to think he can read them; the worry, desire, nervousness, the way the corners of his mouth curl downwards in confusion-

"Ben, what is it?"

Shaking his head, Ben answers, "Nothing, let's just enjoy our time."

"Yeah," Poe nods. "Yeah, let's do that."

Both of them marvels at the way the issue they kept dodging slip from their fingers and curl silently at their side; ignored. They ate together, Ben feeling happy than he did for months. And Poe relishing at the presence of his friend beside him.

Ben focused his attention to Poe. His long lashes softly touching his skin when he blinks, when he laid his head down on Ben's lap and closes his eyes. The sunlight hitting his skin and making him look ethereal, glowing. Ben burns into memory the way his eyes fill with wonder when he listens to him, and the way it glows with barely contained delight when he recounts stories from his school; flying, ship models, droids.

Ben doesn't want to forget this, doesn't want to ever part from this. He wants to lay by Poe's side forever.

Forever is a long time.

And only if Poe likes to have hin around.

Then he remembers it, Poe is already tied to someone; meant for someone. And unless that person is him - he couldn't keep Poe.

Not for a long haul.

But he'll be there for him. When he become the best pilot in the galaxy, when he go into adventures to discover himself, when he grow into an even more wonderful man.

When Poe finally meets his someone.

Ben grits his teeth at the thought, but when Poe hums in appreciation as he continue to run his fingers through his curls, Ben visibly relaxes.

If anything, he knows Poe should be the one to get mad at him.

"Poe?" Ben softly said, fingers touching the side of his face.

Poe hums again, leaning to his touch. "Yeah?"

"I uh-" Ben blinks rapidly, at a lost for words.

Opening his eyes, Poe found Ben looking down at him; his face framed by his dark hair and his mouth slightly open as he thinks for words to say. "Is it time to go already?" Poe asked, opting for nonchalance.

"No," Ben said, exhaling the word. "A couple of hours more. But I want to show you around."

Poe grins, ecstatic. He stood up and offers his hand to Ben who takes it. Together they cleaned their little place, placing the cloth and leftovers to the basket which Ben carries on the way back with one hand; his other unconsciously taking Poe's.

"Whenever I dream of my grandmother, she always walks me around the palace." Ben said, biting his bottom lip before continuing. "It's so big and beautiful but she showed me to one side of it. Overlooking a vast, calm ocean..."

Nodding as he listens, Poe waits for Ben to continue. But when he said nothing, Poe looks at him and sees him looking at the floor -the basket in his hand swaying playfully. Settling in the calm silence, Poe shifts so he's walking closer to Ben. Hoping to convey his presence and comfort.

He knows something is bothering him. Sometimes it scares him how attuned he is to his feelings, his emotions. How he could sometimes feel Ben's presence under the Force-sensitive tree, like he's there with him even when he's thousands of light years away.

When they reached the empty balcony with vines covering the sides, crawling to the stone floor and walls, colorful flowers hanging on the side; Poe was the one who urged Ben forward. His hand tigthening on the taller boy's as he stare in awe at the sea of blue water in front of them, the sunlight reflecting on it - mirroring the equally stunning clear blue sky.

"I like Naboo a lot, you know that?" Poe said, his voice filled with awe.

Ben chuckles beside him, his eyes fixed on Poe all the time. "I can see that."

Poe looks at him at that, smile on his lips. He lowers his head, shaking it sheepishly. After a beat or two, he raises his head again, he turns to Ben and took the basket in his hand, laying it on the floor between them.

"Okay, tell me something." Poe said, staring at Ben's eyes, almost challenging. "You planned to tell me something, right?"

"I didn't mean it to be grand. I mean-" Ben says, swallowing the lump in his throat. "I just want to spend time with you. It might be the last one I can for a long time."

Poe frowns, confused, a deep furrow forming in his brows. He tilts his head and narrows his eyes slightly. "What are you talking about, Ben?"

"I'm leaving to train with Uncle Luke."

Ben didn't say it, but Poe knows it's there. The little 'and' hanging at the end of his sentence. The _and jedi lives free of all attachments. Distraction is a leisure I can't afford at training. I can't love another person. I can't spend this much time with you anymore. I can't-_

Poe took a deep breath. He knows he'll stutter if he speaks anytime soon so he waits for another moment. Proud smile grace his lips but his eyes betray the sadness he couldn't help but feel. Ben is his best friend, his confidant, the person he's been trying to know more despite knowing enough. A mystery in the universe he's trying to unfold and keep at the same time. "I'm sure you'll be a great jedi, Ben. The greatest, I'm sure."

 

 

Later, when they land back to Yavin IV, Poe would wave his hand in farewell to Ben like all those times before. But unlike all those times before, Poe wouldn't go on and have fun with his other friends. Or study in advance and spend more time tinkering at his mother's old A-wing.

Later, he would lock himself up in his room. Fill-up the application form for the Academy and he would pass with flying colors.

Later, as Poe realizes they have to take their own journey in separate ways - Poe would start his on his own. He would take the journey to be the best pilot in the galaxy. And he would meet people along the way, understand the way the universe works even if its total obscurity still baffles him. His experience and exceptional talents will be the key for him to open another door of his personality. His father's voice echoing in his mind.

_"Not everything in your world revolves around Ben Solo, Poe."_

And Poe would finally close the door of acceptance. Because his father is right.

 _I'll see you soon, Ben._ Poe whispers into void, in his mind, as his father smile proudly at him. The people in the Academy praising him with approving stares and congratulations.

And when Poe feels the other boy's presence as he sits with his back on the bark of the Force-sensitive tree back on his home planet, he didn't think of anything else aside from the fact that he'll be the best pilot in the galaxy - and Ben will be the jedi as he is meant to be.

But his thought from before still nags him, insistent.

Innocence truly is a bliss.

  
\--

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That reference to Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe. Please tell me you got it - that book destroyed me. ((cries in emo))
> 
> The poetry thing is kind of like a headcanon of mine, so I decided to put it here.
> 
> I'm getting nervous bc this fic is getting long. And gaaaaah -


	5. Chapter 5

Nineteen year old padawan Ben Solo looks down at his hands as he listens to Master Luke.

"Love is dangerous for a jedi. Forbidden even. Love has torn the great ones apart. Contradicts the motion of their thought as they consider the sentiments they hold. But now..."

Ben found himself drifting from what his master is saying, he found himself thinking of Poe.

And now of the consequences it seem to entail.

\--

They drifted apart without meaning to.

Ben found out about the Academy application from his uncle weeks after their last time together, at Naboo.

"I see Poe passed the Academy." Uncle Luke, he calls him uncle Luke until the second year- said "The Republic were impressed and is already looking forward to have him in their fleet."

"Poe is a great pilot. The greatest they would ever have."

And maybe his uncle Luke knows something that he don't, but like the usual, he just nod his head at Ben.

Ben steers himself to the present, sparring with another padawan and winning. His master always denotes that his flexibility in shifting his movements is his key, the more acrobatic gestures helping his huge and large frame in executing each strokes. And Ben definitely knows how to use it.

The voice also knows how good he is at it.

It never stopped since he got into training. If anything, it got louder and more persistent. Which is why Ben liked it better when he was at home. There, at least, his mother seems to know, to understand. He still dreams of the good stuff, of his grandmother. He can talk to Poe whenever he wants. He can ask his uncle Chewie anything he wants, he can spend time with his father tinkering at ships or droids and have him tell him how good he is at tech.

In the end, he just want it to stop.

He pointed the tip of his weapon to his opponent who immediately called truce and walked away, panting. Brushing his hair back, Ben locked gaze with his un- _his master_ who nodded with an approving glint in his eyes before ushering a young girl away.

He found himself following the little girl with his stare. She is barely seven years old and Ben couldn't fathom how his unc- _his master_ could take such a youngling who will need all the attention focused on her need as a child.

 _Surely he thinks she could be better than you._ The voice said, obnoxiously sure of what it is saying. _But then of course, no one will know if you don't show them your true power._

Power. That's always it, isn't it? Power, power, power. All the _imagine what you can do with the power you have in your hands, at your disposal_. Imagine what it will do to the galaxy, how people would bow down to you. Ben is aware, he knows how people would cower at the show of what he can do. In fact, no matter how much his mother hid it, Ben knows how people cowered at even the mention of his grandfather's name. Ben is getting tired of it.

He's also getting tired of hiding it.

He huffed as his master and the little girl rounded the corner, the bright red of the tie in her hair burning at his memory as he continue to practice his movements. Sweat dripping and making his weapon slide in his hands, but he only gripped it tighter and focused.

Focus has always been the key.

\--

Ben rolls up the scroll in his hands and put it away, he turns his head when the door opens and a young girl walks in. Looking out of place with her hair loose and her feet kept on shuffling.

Smiling, Ben remembers her as the girl from what- four days ago? The one master Luke recently brought in. She feels, nice. Her Force signature so apparent, warm and it feels soothing to Ben. It almost made him take back his incredulous thought of her and the fact that she is still so young.

"Hi." Ben greets, eyes still on her.

"H-hello." She answers, finally looking at him. "You're Ben Solo."

Taken aback, Ben widens his eyes and gulps before answering. "Yes, I am. And you are?"

"You're the one they're talking about!" She smiles so wide and jumps to her feet. "Can you tell me?"

"Tell you what?" Ben asked frowning. He knows the other padawans talk about him, the voice egging him that they are only jealous of his abilities and sometimes, Ben can't help but believe it.

"You know, master Luke tells me you are a great padawan."

"I'm glad he says that. Even if its not to me." Ben mumbles as he watch the little girl take the seat across from him on the other side of the table.

"He knows how great you are and he tells me that too! Don't doubt him."

"That's hard to do." Ben said, shaking his head a bit.

"You have nice hair."

"Thank you. But I also know what you are doing-" Ben smirks, "What do you want to know?"

She smiles sheepishly, her small hands playing with one another on the table. "You know- how come you're such a great padawan?"

"I'm not great."

"Yes you are!"

And Ben was once again taken aback at the sudden burst in her Force signature. Even her very being indignantly telling Ben the opposite just like her words.

But Ben finds himself having a hard time believing it. He knows he is not on his full capacity just yet, he hasn't even done anything worth calling 'great' so how come his master and this girl tells him he is.

"I saw you sparring the other day- master Luke told me that's what it is called- and you were amazing!" She exclaimed, looking at Ben with wide eyes. "And I like the way you move. It's like - what was it? The Force."

"What's with the Force?" Ben tilts his head, his eyes narrowing.

"The Force flows around you." She smiles again, "I told master Luke about it, but he said it's completely normal."

Chuckling, Ben said. "And you don't think it is. That's why you came to me."

She crossed her arms on her chest, pouting. "I don't see why it's normal when the only padawan I can see it with is you."

"You know, kid." Ben leans his arms on the table, smiling kindly at the little girl. "Everyone has a different Force signature. Mine is different, yours too-"

"Yours is amazing then! I haven't seen anything like it."

"It's really not." Ben sighs, he shook his head before continuing. "We have different capabilities, what we can do using the Force. And that's what makes us all different from one another."

She frowns, staring at the empty space between them. Ben raises his hand and smoothes out the crease between her brows, making her look at him. He smiles again, drawing his hand back and clasping them together.

"You haven't told me your name."

"You didn't ask."

"You didn't give me a chance."

She grins at him, slipping from her chair. Ben turns in his seat when she walks and stops beside him, holding her hand out.

"I'm Rey." She stares up at him with wide, confident eyes. "Nice to you meet you."

Shifting his gaze from her hand to her eyes, Ben gently holds her hand in his and gave a firm shake. "Ben Solo. Nice to meet you too."

When she skips her way out of the room, Ben found himself thinking - _"She's different."_

And for the first time in a long while, the voice didn't say anything.

\--

It was approximately two hundred sixty-seven days into his final year at the Academy and Poe just got the chance to be back on Yavin. Despite the fact that fourth year was supposed to be the most stressful year.

"Perks of being the best pilot in the galaxy, pa." Poe said as he pulls away from the hug. Laughing when his father playfully smacks him in the head.

"And one would think the best pilot in the galaxy is also the modest person in the galaxy."

"I'll make sure I'll get a course for that when I get back to the Academy." Poe retorts, chuckling as he pulls his bag up in his shoulders.

"Seriously, I'm glad you finally got time to visit." Kes smiles at his son, putting a hand on his shoulder as they walk inside. "So how was it?"

"Oh you wouldn't believe it, pa!-"

"I'm pretty sure I would."

Rolling his eyes, smile still on his lips, Poe continues. "Antilles is such a great mentor. Although he did say I'm trying to sign a death contract every time I do stuff up there."

"Well if he says that, you probably do."

"Nah," Poe shooks his head, putting his bag down beside the couch before sitting down. "Best pilot in the galaxy."

This time it was Kes who rolled his eyes. "Someday, you'll live that down."

"I was just kidding, dad." Poe grins. "And yeah, that was cool. And Antilles told us he knows Skywalker."

"I know. I miss this easy talk." Kes said, his head turned to his son as he stop midway to the kitchen. He smiles before continuing, "Wedge and Luke are good friends."

"Apparently. Luke is a great pilot. I can see why Ben also got the talents, Wedge told me it's a family thing."

Kes returns with a pitcher of orange juice and two glasses, setting them down on the table. "Did Ben mention anything?"

Poe paused, his hand hovering on the pitcher before he grips it tightly. His gaze shifting from his dad to the empty space of the table before him, smile falling off of his lips. "We uh,- well, me and Ben." he shrugs, aiming for nonchalance. "We haven't really talked in a while."

"What do you mean?" Kes tilts his head, watching his son closely. He knows something is off after that one trip to Naboo, he should've talked to Poe before he left for the Academy. He should have-

"Nah," Poe shakes his head, smile on his lips back again even if it doesn't reach his eyes. "We'll just catch up now. The jedi temple is here, right?"

"Yes," Nodding, Kes accepts the drink his son offers to him. He knows that Poe is well aware of the Jedi Praxeum on Yavin, but still, he humors his son. "On the old Massassi temple."

Poe hums, setting his glass on the table. He grins at his father, but there is an unfamiliar tightness in it. Like he is holding something back and Poe hates it. His father should be his confidant, one who knows him and will help him. But how could his Pa do that when he wouldn't let him?

He feels a knot form again in his gut. This one familiar, like it's been there for a long time. Just tightening every time Poe thinks of it, or just feels it. Like when he does something out of the ordinary, out of routine. When he keeps something to himself and it builds and builds until one day he wouldn't even be aware it already exploded until the aftermath and destruction it caused stares at him square in the eyes.

He licks his lip before saying, "So, what's for dinner?"

\--

Ben found himself liking the little girl, Rey.

She's like the little sister he never wanted. And sure, at first he got annoyed how the little girl seem to find him everyday. And find every way to annoy him.

The questions constantly thrown at him grates at his nerve for a few days. Then the sudden silence and a friendly company starts to worry him for it is so unsual for Rey to be a silent child. And then she would start again and Ben scrunches his nose as he answers three questions in one sentence.

"What do you know about the Jedi Code? Do you follow it? Does everyone have to follow it? I mean, I -"

"The Jedi Code is the philosophy upon which the Jedi Order stands. Yes, I try to follow it. Everyone is supposed to follow it. You should-"

"What does it say then?"

Ben sighs and massages his forehead with his thumb and forefinger. Rey clutches on his free hand and shakes it, smiling up at him.

"Come on, Ben!"

"Rey, you're not even my padawan-"

"Do I have to be?" Rey asked, taking a hopeful look in her eyes.

Ben feels a smile tug at his lips. She doesn't have to be, he could just tell her and be done with it. Except Ben actually enjoys the company. This is the first time one of the other padawans take interests to befriend him. And despite himself, it does feel nice.

"No, you don't have to be." Ben said, "Come on, I'll tell you on the way to the meditation chamber. Master Luke says you have to start attending it."

Rey scrunches his nose, and Ben laughs at the funny look on her face. He playfully tugs at one of her hair buns and says, "It isn't that bad."

"Tell me the Jedi Code so I could survive it."

Ben throws his head back and let out a laugh. He shakes his head before he started talking again, "So the Jedi Code have five core concepts. First, _there is no emotion, there is peace._ Second, _there is no ignorance, there is knowledge_. Third, _there is no passion, there is serenity_. Fourth, _there is no chaos, there is harmony._ And fifth, _there is no death, there is the Force."_

Rey didn't answer for a while as they continue walking, her hand still clutching Ben's. The older boy starts to get nervous with the silence so he shifts his gaze to Rey and found a thoughtful expression on her face. Her lips pursed and her gaze locked on the ground. Eventually, she asks, "Ben? Is the last one true?"

Ben took a deep breath and stares straight ahead, he pout his lips in contemplation. He remembers stories about Obi-wan Kenobi. He was also called Ben, his master Luke knew him as Ben first. "Well, master Luke knows someone. A jedi master just like him named Obi-wan, master Luke says he is living within the Force as a spirit."

"It is true, then." Rey whispers as they stop in front of the meditation chamber.

"I suppose." Ben said, "You should go in."

Rey nods, smiling. "Thank you, Ben. See you later?"

The older boy shrugged and that seems good enough for Rey. She strides to the chamber and Ben saw master Luke in front who gave a him a small smile and a nod before greeting Rey.

Ben lets his gaze linger at them for a while, then he clasp his hand together behind his back and started walking away.

\--

Poe whistles in appreciation as he remove the cover of his speeder. Its still pristine condition and shining exterior blinks at him, thanks to his father.

Poe took the speeder out and under the shade of the Force-sensitive tree. His father is out to do some business so he's left alone. He basked in the calming aura of the blue-green tree. Its leaves swaying in the hum of the wind, like feet shuffling in a dance with low music only it can hear.

Resting his body on top of the speeder, Poe closes his eyes and sighs in content. His years at the Academy had been fun, he learnt a lot and he knows his dreams are slowly becoming true right in front of him.

It was... oddly satisfying. But there is a hole in him where something was. And he sure knows what it was, its just he refuses to acknowledge it.

There has been a couple of person in his almost four years away from Yavin. Away from-

One was a girl, nothing special. Just Poe humoring and slowly turning her down. Turns out she was totally okay with it. And just tried it and decides she doesn't play on Poe's team. Which is okay too, because Poe knew then that he doesn't play on her team either. And she told him it was a win-win situation. Poe barely stopped himself from asking " _what about the colors?_ "

He knows he must have looked crazy then.

But they kept the friendship. Which is good, Poe is happy with it. She is a great pilot too and he is looking forward to working with her in the future.

The other one was a boy. It lasted for quite a long time, but not for a year. Poe knows he could see the colors too and he let himself hope that it is him. Except he knows it isn't, because _he's_ been seeing the colors for years.

It was a dumb idea he let himself be blinded with until it lasted.

But it was nothing compared to the ache of leaving Yavin and everything behind. It was nothing compared to the missed and not returned holocalls. Not just on his part but also to _his_ part. Nothing compared to the untimely and rare messages that slowly deteriorate to nothing.

It was nothing compared to losing your mother, leaving your home planet and father to chase your future and be initially left by your best friend.

Poe startles as a blue-green leaf falls to his face. He quickly catches it and watch as it glows in his hand, the familiar sense of calmness flowing through his veins. The warmth soothing his senses as he feels it again after such a long time.

He hastily sat up, a movement in the periphery of his sight catching his attention and then there was nothing. Just a fleeting thought of a boy sitting with his back on the tree, head turned to Poe and warmth radiating off of his skin, his very being, and into Poe.

But no, how could he miss something he never had?

\--

Ben finished sparring with another padawan with master Luke closely watching them. Correcting a few stances, giving tips and techniques. Always, _always_ , calm your thoughts.

"The second form of classic lightsaber combat-" master Luke says as he walks around the two padawan, his gaze regarding Ben. " _Makashi_. I see you've read the recent documents Lor San Tekka has procured and given to us, Ben."

Ben tightens his grip on his weapon, his feet firm and steady. "It was a nice read." he answers, nonchalant as his opponent made another move. He shifts his left foot on the front to the back, deflecting. "The question is when we are going to build our own lightsaber."

His opponent hums in agreement before attacking him in quick succession and Ben maintained the same movement. So far and different from the more acrobatic forms he favours but he manages. In fact, he manages so well.

"Constructing your own lightsaber forever marks a padawan as a member of the Jedi Order." Master Luke says, crossing his arms on his chest as he let his gaze roam to the other padawans watching. "It is more of an act of loyalty. You must be prepared for that before constructing your own lightsaber."

 _Loyalty_. The split second of distraction allowed his opponent to get a better hold of him and Ben had to stumble a few steps back before taking the same form. His opponent is bigger than him, more firm muscles compared to his own physique. The word playfully tingles the edges of his thoughts. Making questions bloom in his mind, _where does his loyalty truly lies?_

 _Surely not on that wretched Praxeum that cages your abilities._ Ben grunts at the unwelcome comment. He took a deep breath before attacking his opponent in quick succession, left foot forward, right forward, deflect, then attack until-

"Stop!" Master Luke shouts, their training weapons flying to his outstretched hands. "Calm your thoughts, Ben. You're here to train."

"Yes. Sorry, master Luke." Ben bows his head, his hands trembling on his side. He turned to his opponent and offers his hand, more in politeness than sincerity. The older boy took it and gave him a small smile before turning away from him and to his friends.

Ben shared a look with his unc- _master_ before striding towards him. Sure that he will receive another bunch of verbal lessons on self-control.

"Walk with me, my padawan."

Frowning at the odd calmness lacing the words, Ben follows his master. His gaze locking with Rey's for a moment and he gave a curt nod which she answers with a smile.

"Poe Dameron is here on Yavin." Luke says, smiling a bit. "Why don't you visit him?"

"I don't understand." Ben shakes his head, confused. "Why are you telling me this?"

Luke stops in his steps, he lays a hand on his nephew's shoulders to make him face him, "He's your friend. That's why."

"And I'm not going to get an earful for what happened?"

"Well I suppose that kind of fighting vendetta is good. But you have to tone it down a bit." Luke shrugs, still smiling. "Nothing a meditation couldn't help with."

Ben sighs, but he nods in half-agreement. "Right. Meditation."

Chuckling, Luke resumes their walk. The wind rustling the leaves around them, and Ben stares up at the blue sky. The green of the leaves and the various colors of the flowers between them.

"You miss him. I know you do."

"I suppose."

"You don't have to deny nor confirm it."

"It's dangerous." Ben mumbles, finally looking down to the ground. "It's dangerous for a jedi."

"I don't think so." Luke said, his blue gaze regarding the boy beside him. "You didn't even listen to me that day."

"What-"

" _Compassion_. It's not a bad thing as long as you use it to ground yourself and not to destroy yourself."

"How would I know which is which?"

Luke tilts his head at the question, the wood of the training weapon in his hand clanking as he rolls them. "Have you ever loved another person, Ben?"

And that's the first time Ben heard his name spoken in that tone of his master in a long while. Memories of childhood in a living room clattered with toys and a small, flying x-wing in the air being chased by a man with eyes so blue holding a boy in his arms, laughing so carelessly that it seems as though the universe decided to throw all the heaviness of its problems to a dark unknown abyss.

"I-uh" Ben clears his throat and tries again. "I don't know."

"It is a hard question, isn't it?" Luke muses, "You clearly love you mother, your father-"

Ben can almost hear the ' _me_ ' coming next.

"But the question is still as hard." Luke smiles again, "And in the end, even I don't know the answer."

Ben huffs a breath as they stop in front of the meditation chamber. His master had him carried away again. But as he continue to stride inside, a hand on his shoulder stops him again.

"I mean it, Ben. Go talk to Poe, it's been too long and it shouldn't have been that way."

He just nods before walking away, finally alone inside the chamber for once. Ben can still feel his master's gaze burning holes at the back of his head until he hears him sigh and continue his walk.

He sits with his legs crossed in the center of the huge chamber, his hands holding his knees, limp and unlike the other stuff the other padawans do. Ben tries to even his breathing, in and out, in and out. With his eyes closed, he thinks back again, to his most treasured memories.

_The sky is dark, holding too much rain but the blue-green tree stood still, glowing. Another boy is running his hand through his hair, and Ben wonders where did this boy learned how to braid?_

_But the smooth and sweet glide of fingers on his hair makes Ben sleepy and he let his eyes slid shut. Then a drop of water falls to his forehead and the boy exclaimed, "It's raining!" He runs his fingers one last time through Ben's hair before grabbing his hand and drag him up. Jumping excitedly through the rain and Ben forgot that he might get sick because it's so fun and the rain on his skin feels oddly satisfying. The water dripping from his wet hair to the back of his neck and Poe is smiling. So bright and so similar from before that even Poe's father let them play in the downpour._

_I don't know what else to do,_ Ben thinks.

\--

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay of this chapter. The KnightpilotExchange carried me away! It was a total fun. And yes, I am reading the Jedi Path! I was lucky to find a copy here in my country.
> 
> Feedbacks are welcome! School year is about to start again so keep the muse up! [Yes, I'm Asian, lol]


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